or so announced my little friend Hanna this afternoon as she emerged from her bedroom. The Pixies spent the afternoon at a friend’s house and came home FULL OF BEANS! With a side order of sass! I got to spend the afternoon at the Scholastic Book Where(on God’s green earth did all these books come from?)house while Trixie and Squidge were carefully looked after. The girls spent the afternoon there, but I was only present for the last 20 minutes of their visit. But what a last 20 minutes it was! Here are the highlights – an afternoon play-date in three acts.

Act I: Pearl Jam

The moment I arrived at the house to collect the Pixies, Hanna had some sort of accident involving her skull and a hard surface. When her mother laid her down to examine the damage, she noticed a pearl (you read that right) crammed up inside her right nostril. Modern science would be hard pressed to determine how long that little baby had been stowed up there. But with energy and speed that would impress a Navy Seal team, mom swiftly extracted the pearl with what appeared to be some sort of pointy dental instrument. Insert implement; extract pearl – impressive!

Act II: Makes a Hot Pocket Feel Like an Ice Cube

There was cookie baking going on while I was away, and upon my return, I was more than happy to assist. And by assist, I mean eat many of the cookies. Because they need to be tested. And I am helpful that way. But in my eagerness to be of use, I rashly thrust a fresh-from-the-oven chocolate caramel delight into my mouth only to discover that the gooey caramel inside was not unlike boiling lava. Ladies and gentlemen, the pain quite literally brought me to my knees.  At that point, a piping hot cup of coffee would actually have felt soothing to my tongue!

Act III: The Song of Truth

Setting: interior of family van; I am driving with the Pixies in the back seats

Squidge: (singing) I am a princess; Audrey is poop.

Trixie: Mommy! Emmy called me poop.

Me: Emmy, don’t call your sister poop.

Squidge: (singing, with significantly more gusto) I am a princess; Audrey poops.

Trixie: Mommy!! Emmy said I–

Me: (wearily interrupting) Ems, cool it on the singing okay.

Squidge: I said Audrey poops. Everyone poops. If you don’t poop, you’ll die!

Me: Well, she’s got a point there Audrey. You can’t argue with medical fact.